I’ve
been in Bangalore for almost a week, and I still haven’t gone out by
myself yet. I keep trying to compare this experience to that of my
first excursion in Bangalore. When did I have the courage to step out
on my own? How long did it take me to venture out without anxiety? When
did the stares stop bothering me? I can’t remember any of this. All I
remember is doing as I pleased, with very little restraint. In Delhi,
in a haphazard experiment, I learned that when I wear traditional ethnic
clothing, I don’t receive as many stares. Sanjeev says I can pass off
as a Punjabi girl simply because they have very light colored skin for
Indians. We joked the other night that in America, one wears drab and
dark clothing to blend in; while in India, one must wear bright and
gaudy clothing to blend in. My eyes and my hair are a dead give away
though, and I honestly contemplate dyeing my hair black as a sort of
experiment to see how well I can fit in. Yesterday, I wanted to go
out. I didn’t. And today, it is on my mind, and I plan where I can go
and what I can buy to make the trip worthwhile. Yes, I will go, and I
will visit the grocery store about a mile away and buy some dahi (Indian
curd yogurt) because I am almost out. I ponder, should I wear my
American clothing, or should I opt for the ethnic wear for maximum
blenditure? I feel stupid in Indian attire. I always wonder if I am
wearing something wrong and I just can’t get comfortable with the
dupattaa (basically a scarf worn backwards by our standards). So far, I
only have two Indian outfits, and I opt for the Rajastani style salwar
and suit, a turquoise and purple concoction with white diamond dots and
tiny round mirrors – real mirrors stitched onto the front. I want to
leave the dupattaa at home, its clumsy and the shells on the ends annoy
me. But I decide I will take it with. I want to wrap it around my head
as a shawl and cover my hair.
I don’t want to go, but I’m here now, and I have to get used to the insanity again. No rewards will be gained by hiding away but I am honestly anxious. I’ve spent seven months in Michigan as a recluse. I’m smack dab in the middle of it all again, and the area I am in now is massive in comparison to my old location in J.P. Nagar. This is a small feat yes, but it isn’t at the same time. I don’t like being the white rat among millions, and I don’t like being the new item at the freak show circus. But, what to do? What to do? (Pronounced vhat to do? vhat to do? by Indians….)
I don’t want to go, but I’m here now, and I have to get used to the insanity again. No rewards will be gained by hiding away but I am honestly anxious. I’ve spent seven months in Michigan as a recluse. I’m smack dab in the middle of it all again, and the area I am in now is massive in comparison to my old location in J.P. Nagar. This is a small feat yes, but it isn’t at the same time. I don’t like being the white rat among millions, and I don’t like being the new item at the freak show circus. But, what to do? What to do? (Pronounced vhat to do? vhat to do? by Indians….)
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